Lost behind the badges: A curse of our life
A few years ago, I was going through some tough days of my life. It had been a couple of years since I had started my first company, and things weren’t going my way. I had to fight my way through daily just to keep the company going, and I was never getting the results I wanted. Things weren’t quite promising in my personal life either, and I could not meet the high expectations I had for myself. As a result, I could barely feel a moment of happiness in my life. To cope with this situation, I started doing what I did best: Trying to lift myself by learning some new skills. But it wouldn’t really help in the long run either. It was around this time that I had one of those “Aha!” experiences of my life, which changes my approach to the problems.
One of those days, while having a conversation with my brother about an acquaintance of ours, I felt something’s not quite right. The person we were talking about, was an isolated guy, without a great social life, without high education or special skill, not even good as his job, and without any great ambitions in his life. I had met him many times, and one thing surprised me now that I knew more about him: He seemed quite happy and content with his life.
Even the thought of comparing myself to Mr. Happy would seem a little bit ridiculous. We were nothing alike. I had many things that he didn’t. I had quite a wide range of skills, I was great at my job, I had a good academic degree, and I had many opportunities ahead. So, why did he seem so much happier than I was? Despite everything that I had and he didn’t, he had something that I didn’t, and to my eyes, that was the most important thing of all: Happiness.
It was too easy to fool myself by quotes like “Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know”* or convincing myself that we were different people with different ambitions and we can’t be compared, and more other lies. But for whatever reason, I didn’t buy any of these. He was happy, and I wasn't, and it meant he was way ahead of me in his life. That was the only truth I could accept. And it was this truth that became the answer to my question.
(* It’s not that I disagree with the quote, it’s just that it didn’t really apply to my situation.)
One day as I was writing to myself to clear my mind, a sentence that I had just written, caught my attention, and that was my “Aha!” moment: “It doesn’t matter what I have and he doesn’t, as long as it doesn’t make me any happier!” By re-reading this line, two points struck me: 1. I was comparing myself to him by my skills and education and social status, etc, and for some reason, I thought these things put me above him. Now I could see I was wrong. And 2. I wanted to be happy, and all those skills and statuses I had, had merely acted like a drug, by giving me a small dose of happiness each time, but no true and lasting happiness in the long run.
I had always defined myself by my range of skills, education, social status, etc. By the things that were given to me by birth or the things, I had acquired myself. I started to see them as badges that I would wear proudly to show people how great I am, and they often worked great. I would get praised for having those and it made me feel good and happy, even if only for a small amount of time. Sometimes, when I felt that the existing badges weren’t working anymore, I would simply acquire a new one. By learning a new skill, gaining some knowledge in a new area, getting some achievement, buying a new thing for myself, joining a group, etc. Anything, any act, that I could wear like a badge, would do the trick, for a time at least.
I started to see the real problem then: I was defining myself by the badges I wore. Walking proudly with a collection of them shining on my chest, hoping to catch everyone’s eyes with them. But it didn’t always work. All it took, was to feel that they’re not shining as well as I hoped, to see people unimpressed by my badges, or to see someone with a better or shinier collection of badges, and now my false sense of worthiness would vanish. In a panic, I would start to acquire more badges to wear or start polishing the existing ones. Step by step, I would hide more and more behind my badges. And that was the true problem.
I realized, that the most important difference between me and Mr. happy, was not that I have more badges than him, but that he needed fewer badges than me. Maybe I was so afraid of the person behind the badges, that I would do anything to hide him from the world and myself. The man behind the badge would scream to get free, and I would only silence his scream by burying him under more badges. Mr. happy though, didn’t seem as troubled as me. He could walk freely without the need for so many badges.
Today’s world, I think, has trained us to live by our badges. Be it materialistic possessions, like our house or car or money, or the more intangible ones, our knowledge, our skills, our education, our social standing, the groups we attribute ourselves to, etc, and even spiritual badges. We mostly define ourselves and other people, by these badges. We think everyone is worth as much as the badges they have collected, and right from our childhood, we learn to collect more and more badges, to ease the pain of our true unhappiness. This quest though, is a never-ending one, as it’s like throwing pebbles into a bottomless pit, hoping to fill it.
The more badges we collect, the more we see that they don’t solve our problem, and yet we try to collect even more, just like the drunk man in the little prince, who tried to drink his drinking problem away. But at some point, if we’re lucky enough, we may find the real problem, and try to solve it the right way.
To me, seeing the problem, was a great step towards living a better life, but it was only the start. Learning to live without relying on these badges, to embrace the man behind the badges, and escaping the false sense of security and happiness that they would provide, is much like trying to quit drug addiction. It takes time, dedication, and courage. But I firmly believe that this is the path that I should take. To live a better life, to be happier, and to be free.
At first, I was afraid to live for even one minute without the badges, as I felt that not only myself, but the other people would judge my existence by those badges. But when I started to put them aside one by one, even for short amounts of time, I realize that it’s not as scary as it seemed at first. I liked the person hidden behind the badges more than I thought I would.
Even after a few years, my journey is still ongoing. It’s not easy to change one’s philosophy of life. It may take me many years to finally live truly free of the badges. But knowing the problem, and trying to taking steps towards the answer, is helping me to live better and happier day by day.
Putting the badges aside can be a scary task at first, but once you start doing it, you will learn to live a more true life. And once you learn to live without them, you’ll see how much it is easier to live without the burden of having to collect and carry all those badges.
When you start to rely less and less on your badges, you will eventually end up surrounding yourself with people who don’t care much about them. Some people will love you more than your badges, but they can’t see the true you as long as you’re hidden behind them. These people are the ones you would really want to belong to.
So, you can start by asking yourself one question: “Who is the person I’m hiding behind the badges?”
